Despite all the progress humanity has made since the dawn of civilization – like the enlightenment and the development of the Segway to name a few – it amazes me that there are still Neanderthals running around amongst us. And by us I mean normal, critically thinking, intelligent Homo sapiens. I’m not sure what the exact break down of Neanderthals to Homo sapiens is within the population but I am sure that humanity is losing ground against this Cavemanic insurgency.
Just this past weekend my friends and I were jumped by a raving band of knuckle dragging Cro-Magnon (yes, I know Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon are two different types of humanoids but please let me rant) and by jumped I mean attacked from behind without any kind of Westside Story like build up to the fight. It was like a program straight out of the Discovery Channel involving chimps except these apes looked surprisingly like humans. They even dressed like us with their sandals, shorts, and trendy Hollister T-shirts.
The whole ordeal started after one of my friends accidentally flicked his cigarette onto the leg of one of the Neanderthals. Being the civilized and worldly gentlemen, my friend quickly apologized for the accident. Despite this act of sincerity, it appears that apologizing in the prehistoric world is the equivalent to staring one in the eyes or thumping your chest because these damned dirty apes exhibited all the signs of wanting to fight to include: hooting, hollering, smacking the pavement with both palms, and throwing fecal matter.
Seeing how we are both civilized and modern, my friends and I walked away from the animalistic pissing contest. This is 2008 after all, right? Well obviously in the animal kingdom this was not enough to satisfy the pride of the Neanderthal. Instead of being hilarious like Brendan Frasier from Encino Man, the cavemen were very un-funny and they attacked us with our backs turned while we walked away.
Once again, being the civilized Homo sapiens that we are, my friends and I tried to stop the attack through negotiations, defensive maneuvers, and other forms of reason that all humans would recognize as signals for a cease in hostilities. This only enraged the ape men. After already initially taking down two members of our group they went after the rest of us. I looked all around for some sort of monolith – like the one from 2001: A Space Odyssey – which I could attribute the wrath of these apes to but I could not find one in sight. These Neanderthals were clearly in some sort of primal and instinctive blood rage known only to the animal kingdom. It was fucking scary to say the least.
While these sub-human brawlers were certainly stronger than us, their primal intellect was more than obvious. There was no real plan to their attack, just to SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! Luckily for us, this prehistoric strategy – while quite fierce – didn’t produce the maximum amount of damage that they could have inflicted. Remember, it was the Homo sapien who came up with a complex plan like the D-Day invasion. I’m pretty sure the Cavemen always got their asses kicked by the dinosaurs and you can practically equate dinosaurs to Nazis, but I digress . . .
One Neanderthal was so dumb he rolled his own ankle after throwing a sloppy punch at one of my quick witted friends. Further proving their lack of intelligence, a pair of the Geico cavemen decided to hang around the area where the attack occurred right after the fight ended giving me the opportunity to flag down a patrolling police car, point out the attackers, and have them pursued and arrested.
Stupid mother fuckers. At least humans are smart enough to try and avoid getting caught after they do something wrong.
Even though about half our group suffered a decent licking at the hands of these primitive beasts, our wit, intellect, and respect for civilization remained intact. Like many members of the human race, we remained resilient in the face of adversity because that’s what human beings fucking do!
Sure, more than half the Neanderthals slipped back into Homo sapien society unnoticed but it is comforting knowing that having never evolved will eventually catch up to them. They will never have a better paying job than us. They will never hold higher status than us. They will never have the intellectual curiosity of us. And they will certainly never have an appreciation for the complexity of life like us.
So, to all the Neanderthals living amongst us, assuming you are having someone read this and translate it into grunts for you:
Evolve. Please
Until then, you will never be on my or any other human beings level. Ever.
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