Here's to the Man-Boys

Society blows. Why do I say this? Because despite all the specific cultural revolutions that have occurred in the past 50 years, and despite the fact that Ashton Kutcher somehow became a role model, there are certain steps society expects you to take in life unless you be labeled “different” or “the fun uncle.” What steps am I talking about? You should already know the answer:

Step 1: Go to college
Step 2: Get a job you really don’t like
Step 3: Get married
Step 4: Have kids
Step 5: Don’t do the things you enjoy because you’re to busy with the job you don’t like, your wife, and your kids

Now I’m not trying to say there’s anything wrong with this lifestyle. If this is how you wish to live your life then by all means live the dream. This is America after all and President Bush assures me that terrorists are dying to protect our freedom. What I do have a problem with is that society expects us all to assimilate to this lifestyle like they’re the Borg or something. Yeah I made a Star Trek reference and I don’t even like Star Trek. That’s how serious this shit is.

While many feel the pressures of society one group of fine individuals in particular feels it the most. What group am I talking about? Man-boys. Men who want to enjoy life like a boy. You know, with video games and stuff.

The haters out there will criticize man-boys and call them immature or even losers. However, how is a man-boy immature if he makes a mature decision to do things his own way? How is a man-boy a loser if he maintains a respectable job that pays the bills? How is a man-boy not awesome?

The main problem with the haters is that they automatically assume that man-boys are unemployed morons who live with their parents. Not fucking true! My brother and I are self proclaimed man-boys and we don’t live with our parents. We are college graduates, we have respectable jobs, and we maintain our own residences. As opposed to selling out and bending to society’s will, we do our own thing and enjoy life much like a boy does. For example:

Just last week I played about 20 hours of Lego Star Wars. Am I ashamed of this? Fuck no. I beat the game, collected most of the characters, and lived every Star Wars nerd’s fantasy of killing Jar Jar Binks with a Tusken Raider. What’s even better is that I’ve only completed about 50% of the tasks in the game. This means I’ll have to log another 5 hours a day into the game this week so I can feel that glorious sense of accomplishment. I do have priorities right now and getting married just doesn’t happen to be one of them.

While members of society would be critical of my man-boy escapades it is obvious that deep down inside these people are envious. With men they are jealous because they grew up too fast and don’t enjoy life like they did when they were a boy. Instead of playing and having fun they work their asses off to support their family all while losing their hair in the process. How many balding boys are out there? Zero. How many bald men are out there? A lot. Interesting . . .

And with women it comes down to control. Women can’t control a man-boy because finding a woman and establishing a family isn’t their main concern. Women do not fall into the plans of the man-boy and as a result they become jealous of the video games and leisure items that get more attention than they do. Simply put, man-boys don’t need women. Honestly, who needs women when you have Halo, Season 4 of Aqua Teen Hunger Force on DVD, and enough Hot Pockets to feed a small African village?

What it all comes down to is this: society needs to accept man-boys for who they are and back off our shit. I mean, why should we get married when the divorce rate is over 50 percent? Why should we have kids when we can barely take care of ourselves? Why the hell shouldn’t we spend the money we earn all on ourselves? If society can give a good answer to any of these questions then I’ll settle down TOMORROW!!! Until then, the man-boy revolution shall continue.

So here’s to you man-boys. Keep on keeping on because in the end, you live the Toys R Us theme song while everyone else just wishes they were a Toys R Us Kid.