The Socially Interactive Drug of the Ages

I fucking hate Facebook. But then again, I have this lustful attraction to Facebook that keeps me coming back for more despite the destruction it reaps on my mental and emotional stability. You see Facebook is like the abusive asshole boyfriend the meek and impressionable girl can’t stay away from. It’s the heroin the rock star can’t seem to kick. It slowly breaks you down killing you inside every day you stay with it. It takes your livelihood, your self respect, and your soul. It owns you.

My addiction to Facebook began nearly four years ago. I was a young impressionable sophomore in college then with not a whole lot going on outside my studies and things seemed so mundane. There was something missing from my boring life and while some claimed that it was God, I knew the void I was feeling had to result from something far more superficial and potentially destructive. I needed a vice – a guilty pleasure that was wrong but oh so right. Quick fixes always beat the eternal satisfaction of spirituality, right?

While crystal meth, pain killers, and the TV show “Friends” all crossed my mind as possible vices, they just seemed a little too extreme to someone looking to ease their way into the world of vice. I was a good student after all – a genius at that – absorbed by his studies in the pursuit of increased intellectual capacity. I was a fucking nerd, okay? And for this reason, I knew I had to find a vice fast even if I might never come to like it (think lame ass unfunny dialogue from “Friends”). Within one week’s time, without knowledge, the vice slipped itself into my life and made me forget all about finding one. It happened once my peers began discussing a term that would become branded into my mind, branded on my very soul – Facebook.

The Facebook epidemic spread across my school in record fashion. It was like 14th century Europe all over again, well minus the whole bloated oozing bodies lying in the street thing. But nonetheless, a new and arguably more dangerous plague had just planted itself. I obviously got caught up in the whole thing. It was so cool at first. I mean look at all the neato things I could do:

I could be “friends” with people I was friends with in real life; I could be “friends” with mere acquaintances; I could reconnect with the 8 people I gave a shit about from high school; I could “poke” people; I could leave witty messages on the walls of my friends; and I could edit a personal profile that provided a window into the thoughts and feelings of the real me.

While Myspace – the online social network that preceded Facebook – essentially provided all the same gimmicks, Facebook was exclusive. Your school had to have a network in order to use it. If your school didn’t have a network or, if you didn’t even go to school (and by school I mean university), then you weren’t cool enough to be on Facebook. It also had a classier feel. It didn’t have that slutty back alley whore feel that Myspace had. There were no annoying ads or obnoxious display schemes. No Tila Tequila. It was like the new refined drug that was supposedly better for you and us pretentious college kids ate that shit up. Why do crack when you can do cocaine? Am I right Whitney?

Needless to say I was all about the Facebook. It was great. I finally had something to occupy my time with and it felt as if the void I was experiencing had finally been filled. Facebook provided me with hours of euphoric diversion, unmatched by anything I had ever experienced in life. I was making new “friends” nearly everyday. I had my profile just the way I wanted it. I even had the perfect profile pic up which screamed, “I’m cool. Look at me! Look at me!” In the morning I was on Facebook. If I had an hour or even 20 minutes between classes, I was on Facebook. After lunch I was on Facebook and before bed I was on Facebook. The high was amazing. I was addicted.

Pretty soon things got absolutely stupid on Facebook and by things I mean me – I got absolutely stupid on the Facebook. For example I started becoming “friends” with people I didn’t even like. It was like, “Douchey McDoucherson wants to be my friend? I fucking hate that guy.” And then without thinking I would quickly accept his friend request and read through his entire profile. Twice. And then there was the narcissistic obsession of making sure my profile portrayed me as the coolest guy ever. About once a week I would analyze my profile making sure that all the information displayed was not only correct, but witty and hip as well. I should have been swearing off Facebook due to my acts of lameness however due to its intoxicating pull, things I would have deemed in the common yet potentially offensive college lingo as “gay” or “retarded” didn’t seem to bother me.

At times it seemed like the lure of Facebook would wear off however every time you started to get bored they would add something new – as novel as it was – that would keep you hooked. First there was the ability to post photos and look at other people’s posted photos. Like many of my “friends,” I could now dedicate an entire photo album to increasing my level on the coolness meter. Posted photos were all too predictable. The albums I posted included all the typical photos like: me drinking, me being drunk, me standing next to some famous monument or landmark, me standing next to some famous monument or landmark while being drunk. Posting “look how wasted I am” pictures became just as common as your average STD.

After photos, came notes, and then there came the infamous Facebook newsfeed. It was like the news except it wasn’t boring and unimportant like all the stories coming out of places like Iraq and Darfur. Honestly, why should I pay attention to some silly war when it was just revealed that Sally added Dave Matthews Band to her favorite music? This news involved people you knew! You could now count on something new being on Facebook every time you signed on. The frequency I signed on to Facebook multiplied after this. I just couldn’t get enough of the high. Five, six times a day, it never seemed to be enough.

My debilitating addiction to Facebook lasted without question for nearly three years. During that course, I had no idea that it was destroying me inside but soon, as all addicts discover, I realized the high I was getting from Facebook was a bad thing. Even though I kept coming back for more, the euphoric feeling I enjoyed so much began to wear away. I was getting on Facebook just to get on Facebook. It all started to seem so silly. I was keeping up on the lives of people I didn’t even bother to talk to. What was worse is I became bothered by information about certain people that I would not have known if it wasn’t for the Facebook newsfeed. Whether it was finding out that an old flame was in a relationship, engaged, or hell even married, or that one of my “friends” never responded back on my wall, Facebook bothered me when I wasn’t even on it.

My emotional state was all out of whack. It was like that movie “Requiem for a Dream.” Remember how things were all awesome in that movie for a little bit and then everything went to shit for the characters and the mom was put in a nut house, and the son lost his arm, and the black guy went to jail, and the girl went ass to ass, and all the childlike wonder you held about the world was utterly destroyed, and then a box full of kittens exploded somewhere???? It was that bad except in my brain! Ass to ass in my brain . . . I still don’t know how to explain what that’s like.

So, after doing some soul searching, suffering a Facebook induced nervous breakdown, and rolling around in 11 different bodily fluids, I had an epiphany:

Facebook is the most shallow form of human interaction possible.

Even though I had the Facebook newsfeed and I kept up to date on my friends’ profiles, my actions showed that I really didn’t give a shit about them and I’m pretty sure they didn’t give a shit about me (they would have written on my wall if they had). There was absolutely no interaction going on, merely peeping in on others lives without them knowing. If I had really cared wouldn’t I have at least sent an email to keep in contact? Facebook had turned me into a bad friend, hell, a bad person. Facebook was destroying what made me human – social interaction.

Because of my brilliant epiphany, I quit Facebook cold turkey at the beginning of the year. I was done with it. I deactivated my account. It was all over.




I wish I could tell you that I’ve been clean for 5 months and that life has been great. I wish I could say I’ll never go back to Facebook. But I can’t. After about two months of absolutely no Facebook I went crawling back. The withdrawals were just too much and I was too weak. I would get on my computer and the Facebook would just call to me. Every time I placed my fingers on the keyboard I would think about how amazing it used to feel to be on Facebook. My daily internet routine just wasn’t the same without Facebook time. For two months, life just didn’t seem the same and for that reason I had to go back. I just couldn’t stay away.

I know you must be disappointed in me especially after all I’ve said and been through. I know I seem like a hypocrite for telling you how awful Facebook is and then revealing that I’m still on it but I’m only human. Hey, Steven Tyler from Aerosmith is back in rehab. Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots just got out again. Those guys obviously didn’t quit the first time around. Cut me some fucking slack. At least I haven’t gone the way of Kurt Cobain. What? Too soon . . . ?

But when it comes down to it, Facebook isn't the problem. I'm the problem. I’m an addict and I need help. Looking back I was so naïve to think Facebook was actually a good thing. Had I known that I’d be in the state that I am in now I would have never started. Is there still hope for me? I’d like to think so.

So, let’s try this one more time:

Hi, my name is Faheem, and I’m addicted to Facebook.

10,000 BC Called, They Want Their Fucking Morons Back

Despite all the progress humanity has made since the dawn of civilization – like the enlightenment and the development of the Segway to name a few – it amazes me that there are still Neanderthals running around amongst us. And by us I mean normal, critically thinking, intelligent Homo sapiens. I’m not sure what the exact break down of Neanderthals to Homo sapiens is within the population but I am sure that humanity is losing ground against this Cavemanic insurgency.

Just this past weekend my friends and I were jumped by a raving band of knuckle dragging Cro-Magnon (yes, I know Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon are two different types of humanoids but please let me rant) and by jumped I mean attacked from behind without any kind of Westside Story like build up to the fight. It was like a program straight out of the Discovery Channel involving chimps except these apes looked surprisingly like humans. They even dressed like us with their sandals, shorts, and trendy Hollister T-shirts.

The whole ordeal started after one of my friends accidentally flicked his cigarette onto the leg of one of the Neanderthals. Being the civilized and worldly gentlemen, my friend quickly apologized for the accident. Despite this act of sincerity, it appears that apologizing in the prehistoric world is the equivalent to staring one in the eyes or thumping your chest because these damned dirty apes exhibited all the signs of wanting to fight to include: hooting, hollering, smacking the pavement with both palms, and throwing fecal matter.

Seeing how we are both civilized and modern, my friends and I walked away from the animalistic pissing contest. This is 2008 after all, right? Well obviously in the animal kingdom this was not enough to satisfy the pride of the Neanderthal. Instead of being hilarious like Brendan Frasier from Encino Man, the cavemen were very un-funny and they attacked us with our backs turned while we walked away.

Once again, being the civilized Homo sapiens that we are, my friends and I tried to stop the attack through negotiations, defensive maneuvers, and other forms of reason that all humans would recognize as signals for a cease in hostilities. This only enraged the ape men. After already initially taking down two members of our group they went after the rest of us. I looked all around for some sort of monolith – like the one from 2001: A Space Odyssey – which I could attribute the wrath of these apes to but I could not find one in sight. These Neanderthals were clearly in some sort of primal and instinctive blood rage known only to the animal kingdom. It was fucking scary to say the least.

While these sub-human brawlers were certainly stronger than us, their primal intellect was more than obvious. There was no real plan to their attack, just to SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! Luckily for us, this prehistoric strategy – while quite fierce – didn’t produce the maximum amount of damage that they could have inflicted. Remember, it was the Homo sapien who came up with a complex plan like the D-Day invasion. I’m pretty sure the Cavemen always got their asses kicked by the dinosaurs and you can practically equate dinosaurs to Nazis, but I digress . . .

One Neanderthal was so dumb he rolled his own ankle after throwing a sloppy punch at one of my quick witted friends. Further proving their lack of intelligence, a pair of the Geico cavemen decided to hang around the area where the attack occurred right after the fight ended giving me the opportunity to flag down a patrolling police car, point out the attackers, and have them pursued and arrested.

Stupid mother fuckers. At least humans are smart enough to try and avoid getting caught after they do something wrong.

Even though about half our group suffered a decent licking at the hands of these primitive beasts, our wit, intellect, and respect for civilization remained intact. Like many members of the human race, we remained resilient in the face of adversity because that’s what human beings fucking do!

Sure, more than half the Neanderthals slipped back into Homo sapien society unnoticed but it is comforting knowing that having never evolved will eventually catch up to them. They will never have a better paying job than us. They will never hold higher status than us. They will never have the intellectual curiosity of us. And they will certainly never have an appreciation for the complexity of life like us.

So, to all the Neanderthals living amongst us, assuming you are having someone read this and translate it into grunts for you:

Evolve. Please

Until then, you will never be on my or any other human beings level. Ever.